Like many 30-something singles, I longed for the companionsip of a partner. Having been a serial monogamist for quite some time, I had accomplished the majority of my educational and career goals. I’d traveled and lived abroad, and wanted to redirect my focus towards finding a life partner and building a family. Frustrated with the local bar scene, disappointed by the produce department of the grocery store, and exasperated by the hope that I might have a chance encounter with my “ideal” man, I did what many web-savvy singles do and looked to online dating.
I logged on and perused some of the profiles of the men listed, created my profile and set out to figure out for myself, “How do others perceive me?” I labored over word choice, and attached photos I thought were flattering. I conscientiously edited, and answered their personality questionnaire. This particular questionnaire would then categorize my answers, and place me into a personality category, represented by a collection of 4 letters.
Not long into the process, I received an email message through the website from a man who described himself as 38, single, and living in Seattle. His photos looked attractive and he was educated. Interestingly enough, we were not matched by personality type, but due to his simple browsing. He encountered my profile and decided to write me. We were actually the opposite personality types.
We conversed via phone for weeks, and wrote regular email messages. After 6-8 weeks of getting acquainted, we decided we would meet at a mutual destination. We did so, developed a friendship, and there was an immediate mutual physical attraction. There were also some immediate warning signs I chose not to heed!
Online dating can provide an excitement and diversion from the routine. The prospect of finding my ideal partner this way was exciting to me, and I wanted to believe in the process. I wanted so desperately to trust again, having been “burned” by several previous other relationship disappointments.
We dated long-distance and flew across the nation multiple times for weekend dates. I met his family who I immediately felt warmth an acceptance from…and interestingly enough, they seemed a bit too eager and excited to meet me. This puzzled me….at least, for a while. Nonetheless, this romance that was nurtured by distance and enthusiasm developed into a far-too-quick engagement. My employer kindly gave me an unprecedented two years of leave from my job, just in case I did not like the Seattle area. I started to give away and sell my possessions in the hopes of making an across the country move simpler. I scoured the Seattle area and its’ surrounding burbs for jobs, interviewed, and accepted one!
Our relationship was characterized by excitement - we volunteered at the Iditarod and traveled Alaska together. We packed our suitcases often and made weekend jaunts to various destinations. We planned a wedding in beautiful Turks & Caicos. Not long after, I discovered he had an anger management problem and could quickly become emotionally abusive. Surprisingly, he was not like other abusive men I’d encountered, who might quickly apologize. It was if he had no conscience, and took no responsibility for his behavior. I talked myself out of my gut instincts; perhaps because my desire for a relationships was stronger than his character.
Other warning signs appeared; steroids found in his house, a shampoo that a woman might typically buy in his shower, arrogance, vagueness about his past relationships, and an intense need to be reassured to an excessive degree. On one occasion he expressed suicidal ideas, which prompted me to request special emergency leave from work, fly halfway across the country to provide support, only to have him act as if nothing at all was wrong. Furthermore, he had a relationship with an ex-girlfriend that sounded suspicious. By now perhaps you are thinking that bells and sirens should have sounded, but they didn’t. Never mind that I sent him the engagement ring back - he said for minor repairs. When I didn’t get it back quickly, I dispelled the feeling I had…I was too busy preparing for a destination wedding, picking out a bridal gown, etc.
Deep in my gut, I sense something that I knew I had heard about on Oprah’s show one afternoon, but I just couldn’t “put my finger on it”. I dismissed it, as I looked admiringly at the beautiful princess-cut diamond ring that adorned the finger on my left hand. I sat admiring my ring one evening as my hands flew across the keyboard on my home computer. Having been a MySpace-virgin, I wanted to peruse the site. Not finding who I searched for, I spontaneously entered the name of my fiance’ on a whim. What was revealed stung my eyes with tears, disbelief and complete belief, all at the same time! There before me was the profile of a young woman, featured in the photographs with my fiance’, wearing my princess-cut diamond engagement ring. They too were planning a destination wedding, and in just two weeks!
I can be accused of being idealisic, romantic and a bit too eager, but an ignorant woman I am not. I promptly contacted this young woman to give her my support. We decided together we would confront this future polygamist, supported one another and move on, and that is exactly what we did. Furthermore, I learned he was 40, had previously been engaged, and had once had a restraining order placed against him. I used my anger to provide me with the motivation I needed to move on. I promptly sold my gown on the internet, (of course!) recovered the job I’d almost taken 2 years of leave from, and got another job to replace the possessions I’d sold. More importantly, I resolved to always, always follow my intuition and to see a counselor short-term.
Today as I type this, there is a beautiful diamond ring on my hand - not the large princess-cut diamond I once had….just a modest and simple band with a few small diamonds. I met a wonderful man on a blind date, set up by a mutual friend of impeccable character. We knew on our first date there was a mutual attraction and developed a friendship very slowly this time. My friends and family ALL immediately liked him. We were married this fall in a wedding that overflowed with joy for two 30-somethings who had waited long enough. While marriage is never flawless, he was every bit worth the wait. My experience with online dating has prompted me to publish the following Hints for Online Dating:
Follow your gut-this is your intuition speaking to you loudly. Heed the advice of your instincts.
Progress slowly- more slowly than you would in traditional dating venues. If it feels like it’s moving too fast, it is.
Opposites may attract - but they don’t stick. Choose someone who is like you in personality traits. Many online services like eHarmoney provide personality matchmaking.
Never date when you are feeling desperate. Heal first.
Remember, it is incredibly easy to misrepresent one’s self on the internet, less so in person.
Always trust the opinions of significant friends and family members - they know you well.
While my experience was a bit harrowing, I am no worse today for the wear. In fact, I am better off as I work with high school students daily - and help guide them in their own relationships. Sometimes experience is really the best teacher and the most valuable lessons are the most difficult ones we’ve learned the difficult way. I share my experience in the hopes it might spare you a similar experience. I believe our experiences all exist to serve a purpose, and I am convinced my purpose is to help others avoid an experience like my own. As you go into the online dating world, present yourself armed with the wisdom of others. Blessings to you as you embark on an online dating adventure of your own!
